Faith

If you have faith as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, ‘be pulled up by the roots and be planted in the sea,’ and it would obey you. Luke 17:6

       While we are talking about trust, let’s also talk about faith for a minute. As I mentioned previously, in January of 2015 my husband and son’s father, took his life. While we were separated at that time, I held on to hope that our marriage and family would be mended. Therefore, him ending his life also killed that hope for me.  I grieved for a while and then felt the Holy Spirit pulling on me. He had something for me to do, but I had no idea what that was just yet.

       Throughout the year I felt in my spirit a change would be coming in September. Instead of seeking Him for what that was I went ahead and made plans at EXCEL to make changes to our classes in September. Side note: EXCEL is an academy my mother started when I was two years old (back in 1986). In the beginning the purpose was to teach aspiring models and actors how to succeed in their desired field while raising up lights for the kingdom of heaven in the entertainment industries. While all that is still taught at EXCEL, we added a special focus on professional etiquette and personal development, centering on self-confidence and self-worth.

       September came, the changes we made to the classes at EXCEL did not work out very well, then Yahweh spoke. He told me to leave EXCEL that December of 2015. Excuse me, what?

       If anyone had told me to leave EXCEL before that moment I would have said, never. EXCEL had been my entire life since I could remember! With EXCEL came amazing contacts in the film industry, of which I was born to be a part, paid trips to New York City every summer, which was my home away from home since I was 8 years old! I’ll never give that up.

       However, when Yahweh said it, it was done. I knew that I knew that I knew. My heart knew this was what I was meant to do. December it is. The hard part was telling my mom. Who I would be abandoning, by the way! I prayed that Abba Father would prepare her heart (for her sake and for mine). The next week I sat her down and told her what I know that I heard, and she was so excited for me, and could not wait to hear what the Lord had for her to do next. Now, that is the power of the Holy Spirit!

       Next came living it out. December came, I left, we miraculously were let out of our lease where EXCEL’s Studio was located, I had a little in savings, and my rent paid up until September of 2016. Okay, no big deal, I can do this. I can have faith to live out what Yahweh said. I got this, or so I thought.

       A few months later my savings ran out. The next Sunday, I am at church and asked the Lord, “Can I get a job now?” He straight up said to me, “Do you trust me?”, I said, “Yeah?”. If I had really been honest with myself, I would have said, “kinda”. After church was over, I went to talk to my close friend, the lead pastor’s daughter, like I usually did after service was over, and she held out her hand with something in it and said to me, “You have to take this, you can’t argue, God told me to.” (Because she knew I did not take help very well… help, blessings, gifts, compliments… I did not take anything good very well, that I did not feel that I had “earned” … is that not just a lie from the enemy… especially since grace and salvation are a gift, we most certainly did not earn. What she had in her hand was a check for over $300. My chin dropped to the floor. She had no idea how bad I needed it at that time, because I did not tell anyone what was going on! My thought process was that if God told me to do this I cannot complain, like you are not to complain about fasting, right?

That was not the last time I was just handed money. In the beginning it was easy to keep the faith. The next time I questioned, “Did you really say to not work for income? Am I really doing the right thing here?”, I received money from a friend from across the country with a note that said, “God wants you to know that you are on the right path.” Again… chin dropped. I had not even told them I was not working; I had not talked to them in over a year.

        I found $100 bills in my Bible, $50 bills in my Bible, $100 gift cards to Kroger, Target, and Walmart in my car. I still to this day have no idea who it was from. One time I was sitting in my apartment, we had plenty of food, but I just wanted a banana. I did not mean to sound ungrateful, but I said, “Lord, I just want a banana.” A few seconds later there was a knock at my door. I opened the door to find my neighbor standing there holding a bushel of bananas. I kid you not. She said, “Do you want these? We aren’t going to eat them.” Honestly and truly, it was seconds. Meaning He knew I was going to ask for them in enough time for her to look at those bananas on her counter, think about not eating them, think about giving them to me, get in her car and drive to my house. I did not need that banana to survive, and He did not just bring me one… He brought an entire bushel. That is how precious our heavenly Father is. He knows our thoughts and desires before we even speak them. (Psalm 139:2)

       Another time we had ran out of water and we were so thirsty. We had well water at that time, and it had rained so much that the well flooded and dirt got in the well and we could not drink the water or use it to wash ourselves or our clothes. I had just spent my last 60¢ on a route 44 iced water from sonic for the three of us to share. I had kept my faith and composure until my brother called and asked me how we were doing and then I just lost it. I cried to him about how hard it was at that moment. I remember I was sweeping, and I had the broom in my hand and I just plopped down in the chair and let out everything that I had been holding in for I do not know how long. All that “do not complain” was out the window, because I could not hold it in anymore.

       As soon as I got off the phone with him another precious neighbor of mine came to my door with a 24 pack of bottled water, a card saying how much of an inspiration my faith was to her with $30 cash and a $50 gift card to Walmart. I felt like I did not deserve it since I had just lost it and cried to my brother. However, it is in those low moments that Yahweh shows up and says, “I got you!” We never deserve it. That is not the point. It is not really about us and what we are doing well or not good enough. It is about His unconditional love for us and what He is wanting to show us at that time.

       The enemy uses that lie to get our eyes off Yeshua and onto ourselves and just how unworthy we are. The word says that Yahweh loved us first (1 John 4:19), and that nothing can separate us from His love. (Romans 8:31-39) I do not say we never deserve it to condemn us, but to free us! If we do not have to work for salvation, why would we have to work for His love or blessings? I personally think hardships come from either aligning ourselves with the lies of the enemy, or the enemy trying to distract or deceive us, but not from punishment.

       See, at first it was easy to have faith. He brought the money before it was too late. Then it got harder. The worst part was when my rent was late. You guys have to understand something about me. Not only would I totally prefer to pay all my bills in full, up front at the beginning of the year, not only to not have to think about it but also to not run the risk of running out or anything being paid late, but if something is late… or I have no clue how in the world I’m going to pay it… my world was turned upside down. Shrugging that off was impossible. It did not help that my landlord was also my pastor. Which made the anxiety of rent being late 100 times worse.

       While I still do not endorse paying any bills late, I must share something I learned. One time my rent was late, I was pressing into the Lord, “please let me get a job and pay this,” and He straight up told me, “Trust Me, that I will do as I said I would.” I knew that I knew that I knew He was telling me to wait on Him.

       I was told by a friend of mine, “God doesn’t pay His bills late, so you aren’t hearing from God.” So, I brought that straight to Him… His reply… “My deadlines are not your deadlines, My timetable is not your timetable, do not put Me in a box”. That day… I kid you not… I watched three different sermons by three different people (I was basically begging Him for a sign or a word or something!) I just chose the first ones that popped up on YouTube. One literally said the same thing... “His timeline is not your timeline” my chin dropped to the floor. Another sermon said, “our deadlines are not His deadlines”, you have got to be kidding me. The third sermon said, “Stop expecting Him to work on your time schedule.” Okay, I hear You, Lord! Message received! Thank you!

Just a side note: about a year later my pastor/landlord said to me on the phone, “Don’t put God in a box.” It brought back to my remembrance of this very lesson I had learned about His timing.

       Until 2018, Yahweh paid my bills miraculously. For three years He made it clear that I was to trust Him for all that I needed. While He spoon fed me at first, eventually I had to learn how to take Him at His word and stand on faith, no matter what the circumstances around me looked like. Even when I began making an income it was still obvious Jehovah Jireh (the Lord will provide) was supplying it! The amount of work I did, did not equal the pay I received. The Word promises that He shall supply all our needs according to His riches and glory in Christ Yeshua in Philippians 4:19.  In my life this verse refers to more than just financial needs.

       I am very thankful to my mother for being my armor bearer (I recommend you read the book God’s Armor Bearer by Terry Nance). Mom and I decided early on that even if she felt a desire to help me financially, she was not allowed to unless she prayed about it and knew from the Holy Spirit that she was supposed to financially bless me. There were times I was desperate, and she did not have the funds to assist me, and there were times she was able to provide financial support but had to hold on to the funds until she received a release from the Lord. We knew that there was a bigger purpose for this “break” from a source of income other than Him, and that He was wanting to teach us something on a larger spiritual scale, because of this we took it very seriously. This definitely was a learning, stretching, and growing experience for us both! She worked very hard not to hinder what Yahweh was doing in me and my life by coming to my rescue (as mothers tend to want to do).

       One lesson I learned through this was that He is my source, 100%, for everything I need and want. No matter what other resources I have, I must never forget to look to Him every single morning, and all throughout the day, and most definitely every single night, to stay in alignment with Him and not get distracted and unintentionally align with the enemy.

Did God Really Say?

       Let’s talk about that for a minute. When I questioned, “Father, did You really tell me to not work for income? Because I’ve been taught that you work for what you have. No charity. No hand-outs. You are to work hard for what you have. You do not sit and wait for Yahweh to pay your bills, or for someone else to come and rescue you." While all of that sounded great, where does that thinking leave room for the Holy Spirit to do what He wants?

       One day, whilst feeling confusion about my situation, I came across a video of Kari Jobe speaking and she read the verse Genesis 3:1 where the enemy asked Eve, “Did God really say?”. It blew up in my spirit like a bomb! You slimy little sucker. That is exactly what you have had me questioning and had me drowning in confusion about for weeks. See, it helps us to know the scripture. We can apply it to our everyday lives to fight off the enemy and live holy without so much pull on our flesh. 

       It also proves that the enemy is not that creative. He’s been using the same tricks since the beginning of mankind. And yes, they are just tricks. They are not powerful, and have no authority behind them, they are only tricks. If he can get you to believe it, then align yourself with his lies, you are the one who gives the lie and the enemy the power.

However, there is no condemnation in Christ Yeshua! So, let it go, repent, forgive yourself for aligning with the lies of the enemy and giving them power, surrender it at the feet of Yeshua and move on in your relationship with your Heavenly Father. It really is that simple to Him! He loves you that much!

       Has God shown you something He wants you to do that just seems impossible? (Which is where Yahweh works His best miracles by the way, in the impossible!) Or are you terrified of the outcome and what other people think? Is what He is asking you to do really stranger than an Ark and a flood when there was no such thing as rain? Ask Him to show you what He has for you that your lack of faith has blinded you from. Ask Him to increase your faith!

       1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 says, “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of Yahweh in Christ Yeshua for you.” I refer to this scripture on the regular! It has saved me on so many occasions. Rejoicing no matter what our situation helps bring us out of a funk in which our circumstances put us. This is not easy, but it is life changing. 

       Rejoice always. See, the joy of the Lord is our strength, (Nehemiah 8:10) so it makes complete sense that the enemy wants to steal our joy to make us weak. John 10:10 says that the enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy, and that can refer to everything in our lives. He comes to steal, kill and destroy our joy, peace, patience, hope, etc. However, we can rest easy knowing the end of that scripture is that Yeshua came so that we could have abundant life!

       For most of my life, looking weak was one of the most horrible things that could happen. Voices in my mind would ring out, “do not look weak! Do not need anyone! You can handle it!” Those voices were so prominent that I even had the words, “handle it” tattooed on my arm for all to see. That is what I always did; I handled it. I have not mastered it yet, but I have learned that weakness, when handled properly, is not a bad thing, but a portal to His strength as Lana Vawser put it. That was a beautiful illustration of yet another merciful act of our Creator. 2 Corinthians 12:9-11 says that His power is made strong in our weakness, and that His grace is sufficient for us. To me, that is a precious example of Him making us rely on Him and stop trying to do everything ourselves.

       Pray without ceasing. That seems like a tall order, but all it means is He is there, without ceasing, so call on Him every moment. There are days when every moment something else pops up to frustrate you. That is a perfect opportunity to say, “Yeshua, I give this to You because I just can’t right now”. Or you keep putting something at his feet and before you know it, it is back swirling in your mind again. All my overthinkers know what I am talking about! All praying without ceasing means to leave the lines of communication with Him open. There is not some special place you need to be, or some special position you need to be in, or some special words you need to say to get in His presence. He is always within you, readily available to you!

       Finally, give thanks for everything. That’s tough, I am not going to lie. When I sprained my MCL and could not walk for a month, and was home alone a lot, I did not feel like thanking Him for that. Nor did I thank Him for it, to be honest. I got down, and sad, and lonely. Picture this with me, Friday I have lunch with an old friend, we discuss me starting a workout group with her to refresh my lifestyle. Saturday mornings were a ladies workout group and Sunday evenings were a lady’s walking with purpose group over the Big Dam Bridge. Not only was I excited about the lifestyle changes I was making, but I was so stoked about the connections I would make with these ladies!

        The next day, Saturday morning, I leave my house to come to the workout group, and I slip on my porch, fall to the ground and my knee pops. Terrible pain shooting through my leg! Needless to say, I did not start the group, nor walk with the ladies that Sunday, and my mental health plummeted. I literally sat for the next month. It took me that long to get in with my doctor, then knee specialist, then MRI to find out I sprained my MCL and needed physical therapy.

        I did not feel thankful, I felt disappointed, sad, lonely, and angry. I had lost 24 pounds from January to April and was ready to continue in my journey of getting healthy, and then I was seated. Of course, people will try to say, “you do not know what God was trying to teach you or show you through this”. I am sorry, but when people say stuff like that to me in moments like those it makes me want to punch them. All I could think was this was not God. This was the enemy keeping me from growing, and changing, and making myself better. This was him coming in to steal my progress. Why would God do that? God wouldn’t do that.

       Fact is, I do not have to understand why something happened, even though that is all I wanted to know for those 31 days. I needed to trust that no matter what, my Father had me in His arms. I needed to surrender to His will, His way and His timing and thank Him for that happening. I did not do that, by that way. 

       It was not until a couple months later when I finally could walk and get out of the house and be around wonderful people that my mental health improved, and I could see clear enough to get back to these points I talked about in this book. He encouraged me to re-read this manuscript and add this piece here which did a great deal for me, as I hope it does for you as well. Which is the entire purpose of this book!

        Once I could see more clearly, I realized I finally had time to read, and write, and talk to my boys more and spend more time with my Heavenly Father, because I was “down and out” as they say. So, for that, I am thankful. Not always is there a silver lining to find to be thankful, so giving thanks in everything is often times a sacrifice. However, it is worth the sacrifice because it changes our perspective and improves our mood!

• Don't go by what it looks like! 

• Don't go by what it sounds like! 

• Don't go by how you feel! 

• Go by what Yahweh said!